“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit