Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car