instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
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ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I hate when that happens.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.