Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
That’s what I call a flat tire
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me, in DM rooms…
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!