Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you