A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Dietest Coke
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
what kind of cook setting is this??
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car