High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
A classic…
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake