Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream