Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don鈥檛 have bunk beds.
baby cows are called calves bc it鈥檚 half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we鈥檙e supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl鈥檚 locker room.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I鈥檓 really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Can Happiness buy money?
My friend is dating a guy who won鈥檛 stop taking her to the circus 馃槶
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil鈥檚 illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
i don鈥檛 give a shit what you losers think i鈥檓 clapping when the plane lands
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”