Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?