Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene