*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
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Don’t tell me what to do
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.