*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
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why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.