HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
guilty
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”