My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.