* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you