My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.