My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
adding to the discourse
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato