*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there