i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
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I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many