The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
You Might Also Like
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later