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Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
when there are deer in the woods
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.