I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas