If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
it must be school picture day
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Monday?
No. Next question.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.