GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
It’s a gift
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Does your wife know you’re single?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
True statement👍😏😁