People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.