If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.