I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Lmao the reply