People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
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Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?