You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time