I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
plums roundup
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him