Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?