Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!