Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.