“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
best review i’ve ever seen
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS