My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.