men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Its true…
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
sry
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”