I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I like long walks away from everyone
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks