Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.