*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?