me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.