Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Haha good job!!
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.