‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Things will get butter, keep churning
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times