Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Put a ring on it
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
🤣😂🤣
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I think I’ll stand
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.