Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
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I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
That’s not how days work.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
respect
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of