This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes