[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
the answer was staring at me all along
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*