My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
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Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.