I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Just a friendly reminder!
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN