Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.